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29 December 2011 @ 06:32 am
It has been a long time since I've written anything here. 

It's funny how fast our intentions change, how we ignore things...

The only thing really on my mind as of late is my mother.  We found out some months ago that she has cancer.  The unfortunate part is that the typical prognosis for people with her specific cancer is 5-10 years.  Once it starts becoming aggressive, outside of the typical radiation/chemo treatments, there isn't much to do.

After maybe 7-8 months from finding out, she has already had her first treatment.  I was there with her for that first day.  It was a long day, too.  8 hours in total. 

I saw many other people in this large area having similar treatments, and what broke my heart was seeing so many of them getting their treatment and being completely alone.  I couldn't imagine having to go through that by myself. 

It took 3 weeks after the first and only treatment so far for my mom's hair to start falling out.  She texted me Christmas Eve and asked me to bring my clippers to my brothers for Christmas day, so I could finish what had started. 
I wanted to say no, but it just wasn't an option.  It was a very unsettling feeling having to shave my mom's head. 

I think it just drives home that she isn't well.  Thankfully her spirits seem to have been up about things all along, but mine certainly haven't.  And it's only getting worse since Christmas.  Seeing her with no hair doesn't bother me one bit, except that the realization of it all is just... there.

I keep going to selfish thoughts.  I know she is the one going through the hard stuff, but I keep thinking about how it will affect me, and how it already has.  I cannot for one second imagine a world with having any parents.  I can't even write this without completely losing my composure.

I just feel like I want to scream sometimes, but I know it won't help. 

I just don't know what to do. :(

Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: M83 - I guess I'm floating
25 April 2011 @ 10:32 am
As day turns to night and night turns to day
I wither away in my own personal anguish
If only I had the courage, the courage to convey
To give voice to my most treasured wish
Yet I cannot find the words with which to say

How you have weakened my heart
Piece by piece, day after day
With a flash of your smile, I fall apart
My mind races, at the hint of your fragrance
All reasoning leaves me, when I feel your touch
How is it possible to say so little
When with you, I feel so much

Forever could I be lost in your eyes
Nothing has ever shone brighter
Not even the heavens beyond our skies

I am replete with thoughts of you
So much so, I act the fool
What else is a man to do?
When for no rhyme, nor reason
I am purely and thoroughly in love with you

Current Location: Canada, Oshawa
Current Music: Marilyn Manson - Running To The Edge Of The World
02 April 2011 @ 05:36 am
It has definitely been a while since I've been here.

It feels like so much is going on, yet at the same time, it seems like nothing is.  Been working a lot lately.  Which is fine.  It keeps me occupied, and distracted to some degree. 

Something very odd happened a couple of weeks ago.  Talking to a customer at the bar, and she basically complimented me.  Well, not basically, she did.  It wouldn't mean shit to most people, but I absolutely never get them.  It was completely unsolicited, and a little out of left field.  Probably why it had struck me as much as it did.  It put me in a good mood for the night, at least.

Slowly trying to get over my insane shyness.  Pretty much have to, considering it is part of my job to speak with random people.  It is tough for me.. I know they want to talk to our pretty servers, and I don't blame em... but still!

I also got a nice, solid shot of reality tonight too.  I sure hope to hell it sinks in now.  I do love that I am a dreamer, but my dreaming often times escapes this reality!  But then again, whose doesn't, right?  Le sigh.

Also, I am an Uncle again.  I am very happy for my brother and his wife.  Yet, for some personal reasons, it also makes me a little sad.

Ho hum.

21 February 2011 @ 05:45 am
The title says it all. 
Not that it is as drastic as it seems. 

I had an awesome day.  Finally feeling better.  Know how when you are sick or feel like shit for a couple days, then suddenly you're fine the next day?  And then you feel awesome.  I know that was part of it.  The other part is my new outlook on things.  It is a very foreign concept, for me.  And perhaps that is what lead to the crash after I woke up from my nap tonight.

And boy did I ever crash.  It's like my body is saying "Hey, sorry about this but... we need to even things out here, k?".

Time to go nap again.  Napping works like a reset button for me, sometimes.  It's almost like wiping the slate not clean, but... clearing off some of the crap.

Also... there are too many days when I wish I could change the unchangeable.  Is it too much to ask, to just have what I want?
Of course!

Meh... sleep.
Current Location: Canada, Oshawa
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Matthew Good - The Fine Art Of Falling Apart
14 February 2011 @ 11:09 pm
If you had the power, would you permanently eliminate Valentine's Day?

It would be fools work to eliminate a day where love is celebrated.  Just because people believe it has become more of a commercial enterprise, it doesn't mean everyone HAS to dole out money, and give in to it all.  It is about sharing your love.  Be it with that one special person, or with everyone you wish to.  Today is an excuse to do so, if you feel you so need one.

Not all of us are lucky enough to be loved on a day such as this, but how small would it be to steal it away from those that are lucky enough?
Current Location: Canada, Oshawa
Current Music: Matthew Good - A Short Time on Earth
14 February 2011 @ 08:42 am
In homage of Valentine's day, I am going to post a quote I read the other day, which I am quite fond of.  

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

~ William Shakespeare

I love this, and believe in it completely.  Love based on anything other than what takes place in the mind, is a false love.  Or rather, one of almost no substance, and cannot survive.
Current Location: Canada, Oshawa
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Matthew Good - Great Whales of the Sea
09 February 2011 @ 02:04 pm
What would be your first purchase if you won the lottery?

I would do what any good son should, I would take care of my Mother.  I would make sure she would absolutely want for nothing else again.
I'd also do the same for my brother and his family. 

I wonder if this question is inspired by a recent episode of Castle. :)  There was an interesting line in the show...
I can't remember it word for word, but the essence of it is... coming into a lot of money doesn't change who you are, it just amplifies who you really are.  How I wish this were true.  Not that I will ever find out personally, but it is a wonderful thought.  As long as the rich people are all do-gooders. :)
Current Location: Canada, Oshawa
Current Music: Breaking Benjamin - Forget It
08 February 2011 @ 02:38 am
Just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again.  It had been a while since I had seen it, and I just had this strange urge to watch it again.

Kate Winslet is so beautiful in that movie. 

It is interesting to re-watch movies when you are at different points in your life.  Sometimes they will have more relevance the second time around. 

Even though it was a Romantic Comedy/Drama, I watched it.  And I told myself, I was done with those for a while. 
No, I wasn't telling myself not to watch it for "macho" reasons.  I am the only guy I know that likes RomComs, or perhaps, one of the few who will actually admit it to people.  

If you haven't seen the movie, don't read. :)  SPOILER ALERT, kinda.

I like how it is a very unconventional movie.  I think because it is so different from most Romance movies, it likely attracted a larger audience.  I can't pinpoint why, but part of me just wasn't too crazy about the ending.  It felt a little too neat to me.  In that.. every movie with some sort of romantic angle in it, always ends up with a happy ending.  It isn't that I want people to be sad at the outcome but... sometimes when you end a movie with such hopefulness, it doesn't do it any justice.  The characters don't need to be broken, or terribly distraught but... I don't know.
I felt the same way about the ending of 500 Days of Summer as well. Another awesome movie, but I just hated the very end. 

Time to go relax before bed... I fear I am getting a bit sick.  I can feel it in my throat, bleh!


Current Location: Canada, Oshawa
Current Mood: thoughtfulw/ a hint of sickness I fear.
Current Music: Breaking Benjamin - Forget It
07 February 2011 @ 04:57 am

I think it is time to practice what I preach.

It is funny how easy it feels to dole out "advice", or my supposed words of wisdom. 

After a long night of contemplation, I have come to a conclusion about the object of my affection.

It was nice while it lasted, but I think its time has come to an abrupt end.  Time to focus on myself, and situations that are within my control, rather than pining for things or people that are not.  It is great to dream, and have thoughts of that nature, as long as they are grounded within reality. 

It did make me realize one very important thing though.  That no matter how I feel about myself, I deserve someone who will stir feelings within me, that she did.  I can no longer settle for someone.  Just because I am flawed, it doesn't mean I'm of lesser value than someone who is perceived as being of greater worth. 

At the fear of using far too many cliche's, Life truly is short.  And it should be treated as such, within all of our own comfort levels.  And occasionally, we should try and reach beyond them. 

Here's to trying!

Also, I am completely OBSESSED with this new Linkin Park song.  Waiting for the End.  The lyrics really speak true to my thoughts currently.  Perhaps that is part of my obsession.  What would we do without music in our lives!


Current Location: Canada, Oshawa
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Linkin Park - Waiting for the End
If you could change one thing about yourself, except for looks, what would it be?

Everyone thinks about this, and a lot of us are hasty, and think we NEED to change something about ourselves. 
I was trying to think of things about me that need changing, and my choice, is nothing. 
We are who we are, and unless the change comes about naturally, or for a good reason... it shouldn't be made.

There is no need to go against the grain just to be like someone else, or the perception that you'll be "better".
Current Location: Canada, Oshawa
Current Music: Linkin Park - Waiting for the End